I have said it before, and I will say it again. Patients have gone loco, buck wild, nutso, sidewinder, flippy and otherwise loony tunes. Heres the evidence.

A sweet little lady came in this morning for follow-up on a severe dry eye combined with a progressing basement membrane corneal dystrophy. Her first words? You are not going to check my eyes. OK, lets discuss iced tea instead. Is there a CPT code for that?

This trend continued with the phone call I received from a patient who was last in five years ago and whose father sometimes wears the same sort of contacts. Could I send a copy of the contact lens Rx but dont write any name on it so dear ol dad can get some contacts?

And, theres the guy who called me at home on a Sunday to tell me that he saw flashes and went blind in his left eye three months ago. He wondered if that might be something serious. Something serious? Probably. Something psychotic? Definitely.

And, the lady whose husband has perfect eyes since he had LASIK. Doesnt even own any glasses. But he does wear her glasses when he drives. Its a miracle, so she wants LASIK, too. Maybe they can borrow my glasses.

And, the guy who called me because he saw my name in the phone book and wanted to know who my eye doctor was. He wanted to call him for an appointment, because he must be the best one in town if thats where I get check-ups instead of at my own office.

And, theres the guy who made an appointment, showed up, and proceeded to tell me he was there because he had an idea for an invention. He would get a surgeon to implant a magnet in his procerus muscle between his eyebrows to hold his steel glasses on his face. Did I want a piece of the action? Uh, no.

And, how about the mom who wanted me to make her sons glasses into a bifocal so that she could read the paper through them?

And, the guy who called me to find out if it was normal for his eye to hurt if he got hot wing sauce in it? Oh, and should he put blue cheese in it to help it stop burning? Yes, and apply using a celery stick.

And then there was the teenager who asked if I would prescribe birth control pills for her and tell her mom it was because she had pink eye.

And, what about the boy who asked if he could have some of those eyedrops that make his eyes big for his Halloween party?

And, theres the loyal patient who wanted only me to check her eyes. But could I come and do it at another local doctors office, because they accept her vision plan and I dont? (By the way, this call was made by the other doctors receptionist!)

And, the fellow who called and asked if I would, word for word, read his six years worth of records to him over the phone.

And, the little lady who wanted me to make a house call to check her eyes because she couldnt leave her baking right now.

And, the ER doctor, a stranger I had never met, who called me at 4 a.m. on my cell phone because he never saw nuttin like dis before. It was an eyeball.

And, my staff member who needed the afternoon off to go pick up her daughters glasses at the mall.

And, the mom who told me her teenager never comes to see me for her examinations any more because I made her put her right contact lens on first.

Patients have lost it. Seems obvious to me.