Something happened in the mid-’90s that could have changed my life—except I only learned about it last month. Back then, DC Comics produced a comic book series called “Terminal City,” which featured, off and on, a lively character they called “Monty Vickers”!

Thanks to Google, I learned that this “Monty Vickers” character is a cross between P.T. Barnum and Indiana Jones—an adventurous anthropologist/archeologist who travels fearlessly into exotic lands to capture unusual creatures to perform in his amazing live circus-like shows. How’d they ever know that this was my dream?

If you Googled yourself and found out that you were a comic book character, would you be a superhero? What powers would you have? I have some ideas:

  • CE Man: Able to put listeners to sleep in a single lecture! With one touch, can instantly lose over a hundred PowerPoint slides five minutes before the lecture starts! Can make any sound system screech feedback one minute and be too quiet for the back row to hear the next minute.
  • Privatepractor: Can refract and empty the trash in a single bound! Give this doctor superglue and duct tape and no broken slit lamp can defeat him! Able to keep two of his eight employees off the cell phone with a mere office manual!
  • Professor Idle: Can make any optometry student feel stupid with a mere glance! Has examined four patients in the last year, but can cite Borish chapter and verse! Able to create brilliant doctors from piles of mush in only four years!
  • Optomo-Woman: Changes the face of the profession daily! Actually listens to what a patient says! Able to read OCTs and get the kids to soccer practice while calling Mom and the cable guy in one fell swoop!
  • Repman: Can convince any optometrist to increase his inventory despite the deepest recession! Can make lens banks appear from thin air! Able to extract gratitude for one measly half-ounce sample bottle of antibiotics!
  • Lady Reception: Juggles one hundred priorities with one hand and makes appointments with the other, without ever standing up! Blunts anger with a simple smile! Squeezes payment in full from an empty pocket!
  • Associationo: For some unknown reason, works tirelessly for the common good of all optometrists, including the goofy non-members! Speaks to not-a-clue politicians without punching them in the chops! Sacrifices time and income for the likes of me!
  • Buyingroup Man: Saves you $10 if you’ll send him $20! Builds pyramids without leaving his office! Cures the lame and turns rust into gold! Just ask him! He’ll tell you!
  • Practice Management Man: Makes a great living by saying “Communicate! Hire! Delegate! Code! Collect!” Amazing!
  • Captain Optician: Uses his uncanny eyesight to see the smallest damn screws that were ever created! Believes that computerized edging is for wimps! Measures PAL seg heights with the greatest of ease!
  • Pre-optometry Physics Major: Knows what Y-coma is! Actually CARES what Y-coma is! Lost his keys again!

We are all superheroes to someone, you know. In my particular case, I am more of a comic book hero. Ask my wife. She’ll tell you.