I’ve tried for years to prepare you, America’s true eye doctors, for this moment…this shining moment when all of our hard work is rewarded by, well, more hard work, all in the name of BOARDS.

To finally and truly become Board Certified, you must first answer these questions (choose all that apply):

1. The prime directive for an optometric physician is:
a. To protect, preserve and optimize each patient’s eye health and vision.
b. To live a life of learning, striving to understand the blessed sense of sight.
c. To gripe about a $10 raise in local association dues.

2. When a patient has an IOL in their O.D. and a cataract in their O.S., your recommendation is:
a. “Use proper lighting for nearpoint tasks.”
b. “Expect some blur periodically.”
c. “Only make right-hand turns on the way home.”

3. If a patient calls you at home on Christmas with symptoms of sudden loss of vision, say this:
a. “Meet me in 10 minutes at the office.”
b. “Go now to the closest local emergency room.”
c. “By ‘sudden,’ do you mean ‘last month’?”
d. “BEEP! At the sound of the tone, please leave a message.”

5. Sun exposure to the eye on a bright summer day causes:
a. Pinguecula.
b. Skin cancer.
c. No shows.

6. One thing all ocular antihistamine eyedrops have in common is:
a. They all relieve itching.
b. They all may burn on installation.
c. They all are not covered by insurance for any patient who actually needs them.

7. All ophthalmologists:
a. Go to medical school or osteopathic school.
b. Are NOT evil werewolves.
c. Have a very rare dry eye syndrome so they can never personally have LASIK.

8. Online contact lens companies:
a. Will not fill a prescription without your approval.
b. Will only fill a prescription if they do not receive a denial from you within 24 hours of when they fax a request.
c. Know when your office is closed, so they can fax requests for your approval when you will be closed for 24 hours.

9. All optometrists need to:
a. Be active members of the American Optometric Association.
b. Continue to acquire cutting-edge eye health education yearly.
c. Take zumba classes.

10. The perfect contact lens:
a. Will never cause a health problem.
b. Provides good vision and comfort all day.
c. Does not have the lens manufacturer, model, base curve or power on the label.

11. Equipment that all optometrists must have is:
a. Ophthalmoscope.
b. Phoropter.
c. Computer.
d. Cojones.

Well, this, I think, covers most of the important stuff to prove you are Board eligible because, apparently, four years of optometry school plus 31 years (in my case) of private practice is not enough.

I have a few more questions about the whole adventure…but I’m trying to keep on the Board’s good side, for now.