Okay, kids, let’s switch it up a bit. Ready or not, it’s time for a pop quiz! I can’t think of a better way to get the day started, can you?!

Throughout my long, long education, one of the things I hated the most was the dreaded pop quiz. That, and meatloaf day in my grade school cafeteria. I am certain that most of my organs are still encased in Mrs. Frazier’s meatloaf, but that is a different column for a different day.

Today is pop quiz day! Cue the trumpet fanfare. No pressure, but make sure to choose your answers carefully…

1. Pigment in the peripheral retina is:

a. Mrs. Frazier’s meatloaf.

b. Something you knew back when you took the national boards.

c. Evidence that you finally have a widefield retinal camera.

 2. Which is better, number one or number two?

a. Is this an eye question?

b. If you get this wrong, the chair will shock you.

c. Hyperopes either don’t know or lie like dogs.

3. What is corneal refractive therapy?

a. Let’s start calling in orthokeratology again, okay?

b. Harder to explain to a mom than it was a couple of years ago.

Dr. Montgomery Vickers

4. The number one problem in optometry is:

a. 51 different laws.

b. 50 different state boards.

c. 49 different vision plans.

d. 48-year-old post-LASIK patients.

5. Which is more important than a yearly eye examination?

a. Fancy coffee every day.

b. Whether you accept my  insurance.

c. Will slapping Chris.

6. Name the 2022 Final Four.

a. COVID, Ukraine, inflation and Tarheels.

b. Monovision, multifocals, pilocarpine and books on tape.

c. Chevy, Ford, Dodge and that battery-powered one the rich dentists drive.

d. Fluorescein, lissamine green, rose bengal and don’t wear a white shirt to your eye exam.

7. Which is the best reason for immediate referral?

a. Retinal detachment.

b. Metallic foreign body penetration.

c. Unexplained sudden loss of vision.

d. A patient who always no-shows.

8. Prevention of no-shows starts with:

a. Explaining the reason the patient needs to return next year.

b. Reminder calls, texts and cards.

c. Scheduling offenders on the days your office is closed.

9. Which is the best reason to wear a mask in the office?

a. To protect your patient.

b. To protect you from your patient.

c. Just look in a mirror and you will understand.

10. What you should never, never, never say to a patient:

a. Never.

b. Always.

c. You have beautiful glands.

11. Explain blur.

a. When things are hard to see.

b. When you think you need a bigger TV.

c. Job security.

12. The most difficult thing you may have to tell a patient:

a. You have a tumor in your eye.

b. You have macular degeneration.

c. You need to start going to a different eye doctor, mom.

13. What is the wisest thing you have ever heard that helped your career?

a. People are no damn good (thanks, Walt).

b. Don’t marry for money. Hang around rich people until you fall in love with one of them (thanks, mom).

c. Be who you are (a great title to a great song on a great album, “Cellular,” by a great songwriter, Monty Vickers, OD).

Dr. Vickers received his optometry degree from the Pennsylvania College of Optometry in 1979 and was clinical director at Vision Associates in St. Albans, WV, for 36 years. He is now in private practice in Dallas, where he continues to practice full-scope optometry. He has no financial interests to disclose.