I have worked very hard to get back on track in the office. I am as close to caught up as I have ever been, thanks no doubt to the winter doldrums where half your freakin patients dont show up because they (a) are sick, (b) are taking care of someone who is sick, (c) are broke, (d) have a car that is broke. You know the drill.

So, to fill the time, I started in on my pile of reading. I just finished Drs. Thomas and Meltons wonderful Clinical Guide to Ophthalmic Drugs. Dont panic because you dont have yours yet. Im talking about the 2006 edition.

These guys are great, but I was disappointed they hadnt mentioned all of the drugs that Ive been trying to get them to talk about. Not the drugs already out there, but, you know, the drugs that I want to see. There is a difference between drugs we have and drugs we want sometimes. Trust me ...

I went to college in the hippie days.

So, my crack (no pun intended) team has pulled together a comparative study of DRUGS WE HAVE and DRUGS WE WISH WE HAD. Eat your heart out, Ron and Randall.

DRUG WE HAVE: NSAIDs. DRUG WE WANT: ISAIDs (These drugs make the patient do what I said.)

HAVE: antiglaucoma meds. WANT: antiguacamole meds (Ive given up explaining how the disease is pronouncedlets just change the name. It would be easier.)

HAVE: mydriatics. WANT: lidriatics (They make em open their squinty eyes so I can see what the heck is in there.)

HAVE: cycloplegics. WANT: psycholeavics (These drugs make my psycho patients go see the optometrist down the street.)

HAVE: corticosteroids. WANT: cortexosteroids (I need to think better, and the hair growing on my medulla is not that big a deal.)

HAVE: Plaquenil. WANT: Plaqgranola (A tasty and fiber-filled hydroxychloroquine!

HAVE: timolol. WANT: timolong (It still works when you take it once every three weeks to save money for cigarettes and soda pop.)

HAVE: fluoroquinolones. WANT: fluorocojones (Theyll give you the guts to treat any thing they throw at you!)

HAVE: propine. WANT: apropropine (It may actually be needed sometimes, unlike the old version.)

HAVE: Lomotil. WANT: Nomotil.  (When it comes to this condition, I dont want lo, I want no!)

See how our druggy colleagues have left things out? But, Im not done yet. I have a few requests for drug developers, too. We need some drugs that havent even been invented yet, such as:

A time-release formulation of dilating drops, so that it takes 365 days to actually dilate the patient and then the effect wont go away until they get their eyes checked. Well call it RECALLINE.

A drug that helps legislators understand just how important optometrists are to the total health care system. Well call it DOHNTBDUM.

A drug that makes Yellow Pages sales people leave us alone. Well call it AINGONNAAPPIN.

A drug that makes all patients want a nice pair of glasses. Well call it AMIRROR.

A drug that helps patients easily accept presbyopia. Well call it GITOVRIT.

A drug that makes patients truly understand their insurance. Well call it DOKGITSCRUDAGIN.

So, Drs. Melton and Thomas, get to work. You have a lot of ground to cover for the 2007 guide, which I will most certainly read by 2008.

Vol. No: 144:03Issue: 3/15/2007