I am thrilled that: (a) I have survived my first foray into Obamacare; and (b) Christmas is right around the corner. I look at both issues with a 60-year-old jaded eye (ICD-10 has a code for this).
Christmas, like health care, has evolved. It’s now perhaps the biggest driver of our economy. If retailers are successful at Christmas, it keeps our country afloat for another year. We do this by borrowing money from China and spending it on stuff made in China. Did you notice that Christmas and China both start with “ch”? That might not be an accident. By the way, so does Chia Pet and chalazion, either of which you can order for your loved ones with free shipping from Amazon this season.
And that brings us back to eyes. For Christmas, amid the glitz and glamour of politically correct Barbies and Canadian mayoral bobbleheads, we should sit back and remember the real reason for the season: selling second pairs of glasses.
Seriously, I love when my optical lab rep comes in all full of Christmas cheer (or could it be one hot toddy over the line?) and tells me how we can improve this/his holiday season by convincing our patients that they should give glasses as a Christmas gift. But, I have a hard time believing that any eight-year-old (or even any 80-year-old) would be thrilled with spectacles in the stocking.
Instead, here are some gift ideas that are sure to please:
• Easy-Bake Contact Lens Sterilizer (ah, the good ol’ days of contact lens care)
• Magic Melting Spectacles (guaranteed to melt within two years)
• See Your Soul Contact Lenses (when you peer inward, you should be 20/20)
• Vodka Eye Drops (heard about this from a frat brother)
• My Little Glaucoma Treatment Kit (contents should be planted only in Colorado or California)
• Genuine Pope Hat (has nothing to do with eye care—I just want one)
• Play Money (as minted by the US Treasury Department—has no real value but you have to send back a third anyway)
• Doctor Income Multiplier (it’s a copy of How to Sell Old Sweaters on eBay)
• Box O’ Glasses (you already have one stuck away and the grandchildren will be thrilled!)
• Dr. Dandy’s Subconjunctival Hemorrhage Maker (a rubber band and a 12-year-old boy)
• LASIK Mommy Doll (comes with arm extenders for reading after surgery)
• Super Politician (includes lifetime supply of baloney—bull manure sold separately, but available in all states)
I hope that helps.
Now, if Christmas is not your thing, that’s OK. I’m not here to judge. You can always fall back on Obamacare. That’s what I call a reason to celebrate!
Personal note: Thanks to my readers, friends and colleagues for the outpouring of prayer and support for my new little granddaughter, Grace Annette Vickers, who had heart surgery at two weeks of age. She is recovering, but has a long way to go and more surgeries to come. Please visit
www.facebook.com/Gifts4Grace for updates and information about how you can assist her and her family.