As a self-proclaimed optometric pseudo-celebrity, Ive found that some of my more bored colleagues have a strange fascination with my life. They approach me assuming that: (a) I know them because they know me, (b) I want to share intimate details about my life with them, and (c) I am a born blabbermouth.

For the record, (b) and (c) are correct. While (a) is not, I do like to meet doctors in nearly every situation (except in the mens room) because I can then bowl them over with (b) and (c).

This months column will be a Dr. Vickerss Update. This way, when you see me at SECO, Vision Expo, or just hanging around the local bars, we can move on to other unimportant nonsense.

The New Office

You may recall that we moved our office to a wonderful new location. But the bloom is off the rose at the new building. I know this because we have our first broken toilet: the staff toilet.

Now, I am cheap and want to fix my own toilets. All well and good, except that I am very busy with important stuffimportant to me, at leastso the toilet has been broken for one month.

My staff hates using the patients toilet. (I have my own toilet and am considering a gold-plated seat.) But, they will get their toilet fixed when I get to it. It is on my to-do list, just under Use toothbrush to clean grunge out of cats litter box. (It should be noted that the cat died a year ago. God rest her soul.)

The Children

I know. Your kids are wonderful. Well, not as wonderful as mine. Better luck next time!

My son, Aaron, graduated at the top of his class from Tennessee and is now knocking them dead at the University of North Carolina School of Dentistry. Knocking them dead in dental school is OK. Knocking them dead in med school would not be OK.

My lovely daughter, Amber, is a senior at Virginia Tech, where she is about to graduate with a higher than 3.90 average in pre-med and a minor in chemistry. She also plans to go to dental school. She is a doer, so someday you all will be working for her in one way or another.

Yes, my kids are brilliant. They are physically and spiritually beautiful, and I often wonder who their father might be.

The Wife

Renee, my wife of 25 years (as of December 20, 2005), is amazing, young, lovely, sexy, intelligent, caring, nurturing, capable, talented, funny and, as you may have guessed, she sometimes reads my column.

The Band

Many of you may know that I play rock and roll with a local band called LOST CAUSE. This has been a lot of fun, and the small amount of money we make has fed my guitar addiction.

We recently played our first optometric meeting. My optometric friend, Dr. B.J. Nibert (keyboards and ladies man), and I somehow convinced Dr. Glenn Bailey, the incoming president of the West Virginia Optometric Association, to hire the band. The turnout was at least twice what it has been for previous events, and everyone was shocked to find out that we are pretty good at putting on a party.

Now you know everything there is to know about me. So, when we see each other at SECO or Vision Expo, I can ask you a question: Wheres the mens room?

Vol. No: 143:01Issue: 1/15/2006