1. Lose over a 110 pounds. That’s not hard as it sounds, really. Just fire that lazy staff member you’ve been tolerating and overpaying for the past 10 years. You know the one.
2. Get our phoropters cleaned. Please send me the stuff they dig out—I’m knitting an eyelash sweater.
3. Eat better—better cookies, better pizza, better burgers—just like last year.
4. Refer at least one patient in the next year to a fellow optometrist. And no, I don’t mean your mom.
5. Accept new patients. You would be surprised how many of your patients will refer new patients if you put up a sign saying, “We are once again accepting new patients!” Hey, it’s not misleading. You never once said it wasn’t always true.
6. Attend CE to learn something we really don’t know anything about. Me? I’m looking at OCT angiography. New grad? Check out retinoscopy.
7. Add at least one piece of advanced equipment to benefit our patients. Me? I’m looking at OCT angiography. New grad? Check out the retinoscope.
8. Double the time and money (yes, you have to give 30 minutes and $10 this year!) we give to the politics of our profession. Who’s your state legislator? Just ask Siri!
9. Buy a crisp white coat embroidered with Dr. So-and-so and quit dressing like some shabby punk. OK, that may have been a little rough, but at least stop wearing the Optometrists Do It In The Dark T-shirt you got in 1997 at SECO.
10. Be open to new ideas that will benefit our patients and our practice. For one, quit asking if they work on a computer. They do. You are wasting everyone’s time.
11. Pay our assistants and staffers exactly what they are worth.
12. Hire only the best assistants and staffers to replace those who quit because we started paying them exactly what they are worth.
13. Be problem solvers for our patients, whether the problem is increased myopia or they don’t think they need a yearly exam to buy more contact lenses.
14. Quit griping about new optometry schools and instead gripe about what really matters—
that dog next door who won’t shut up.
15. Spend a few minutes each day quietly in the lotus position, paying attention only to our breathing and, of course, that damn dog.
16. Respect and obey our government authorities, and I truly mean this. I would say it even if it were not a condition of my parole.
17. Ask every patient, “Are you willing to do what it takes to see as good as you possibly can?” Yes, that is correct English where I come from.
18. Stop marketing with bullet points such as *Contact lenses, *Most insurances accepted, *Fashion frames and so on, because they make me want to throw up.
19. Smile more, laugh more, hug more, learn more, forgive more—we will therefore be more in 2017.
20. I resolve that #19 is the most insipid thing I will write in 2017.
Now it’s your turn. Make ’em see better.